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Tumor Registry – fo shiz?!

October 5, 2008

So, I’m scurrying back from the coffee shop at my hospital trying to make my dr appointment on time, and I pass an office marked, and I’m not kidding here, “Tumor Registry”. I stopped. Looked again. Surely, I read that wrong. Nope. “Tumor Registry”. Now, I have to believe that this has some kind of serious and useful function, but you can imagine where my brain went.

“Um…yes. I’d like something small and benign, preferably away from any vital organs. Do they come in fashion colors? I’m on kind of a lavender kick lately.” Seriously?! Maybe they have different tumors on display and you can just scan them with your own little scanner gun? Clubb Cancerr at Target. “Beep. Yes. I’d like a set of three. Enter.” Or maybe you’re shopping for a friend? “Do you gift wrap? How about shipping out of state? I’d like the card to read “Congrats on your ovarian mass. Now you can throw away all of your tampons! Kiss. Kiss. – Christine”.

And here’s an idea. “What is your return policy? I have a 21 cm Krukenberg tumor I’d like to return. Yes, it was really giving me trouble with bladder function, not to mention the unsightly bulge. No cash value, huh? Well can I get hospital credit? Apply it towards my chemo and CT scans.”

Yep. The mind reels. So, I’m standing there in front of this office giggling uncontrollably. I’m totally cracking myself up and really want to share this with someone, but then it occurs to me that almost NO ONE is going to find this funny but me. I should have taken a cell phone pic. Maybe next time.

Anyhoo, if anyone knows what the real purpose of such an office might be, I’d love to know. Likewise, send me your ideas for a “tumor registry” and what kind of services you’d like it to offer. Maybe some kind of rewards card? Cash back. Airline miles. Every fifth chemo drip is free. Whatever. We deserve some perks. Am I right?

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4 comments

  1. Oh my God, Chris — this is too much! Did you ever find out what the hell that place really is?! And yeah, you definitely deserve to get frequent flyer (dripper?) miles.


  2. Hi,Christine,
    The tumor registry despite its rather macabre name is a good thing. Physicians of various specialties(oncology,hematology,radiology,etc.) meet regularly for brainstorming sessions and review specific registered tumor types. Trends can be spotted and tracked,case studies shared,latest research internationally discussed,and helpful insights gleaned between specialists.In the end, hopefully , the patient benefits,especially if the tumor is of a rare type.
    Speaking of rare. You are an amazing woman, and a very talented writer.I love your scalpel-sharp wit in the face of all this unfair”Verkaktaness” you’re going through.
    Matt Damon should be so lucky…


  3. I just came across your blog and am catching up on the old posts. Your sense of humor is just like mine. I don’t have cancer, but have familial adenomatous polyposis, which leads to colon cancer among other annoyances. I was just saying to a friend that we should have a rewards program like buy 3 colonoscopies and the 4th is free. Then low and behold I read your post about frequent flyer miles. I think I’m going to have “Exit Only” written on my ass for my next colonoscopy.


  4. […] “tumor registry” will be featured in a new book by the folks at Planet Cancer & […]



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