I will not be thwarted

February 12, 2009

I hurt myself doing “gentle” yoga. How the hell did I do that? No idea. I didn’t fall or trip or anything. Nope,  managed to tear a deltoid muscle just stretching. So – okay fine. I’ll break out the heating pad and the Epsom salts and I’ll be back on the horse in no time right? Wrong.

A few days later, I decide its actually a nice day out so I’ll go for a walk. Get a little vitamin D, a little cardio, wind in my hair – all that good stuff. As I’m getting up from the couch, I feel something tweek in my ankle. Oh. Crap. I walk to the bedroom to retrieve my tennies and I’m limping a bit on the right side, but its not terrible. A little sting, but seems fine. OK. So, I get all suited up in my outdoor active gear and finally see the outside of my condo for the first time in a few days. Ahh….sunshine, the snow has melted from the sidewalks and I can walk freely without the fear of slipping on the ice coated hills of snow that once blocked my lazy neighbors’ stretch of concrete. I inhale a deep breath and set out…health, health, health!

I spy a  friendly neighbor and accompany him for a bit while he walks his dog. Yes, I am a picture of domestic life and community! While we chat about the condo board and masonry and HOLYSHIIIIIIT!….I am now on my ass. I have slipped on the absolute last piece of ice left in Chicago. A very thin, barely visible layer over one tiny block of sidewalk. Like some Bizzarro version of Aquaman has singled me out for his evil klutz hex and declared victory as I go airborne. Even better, this all happens with an audience. My neighbor is concerned that I may have injured myself, helps me up, repeats “Are you OK?” over and over and I assure him I’m fine. I’m not fine. My pride has suffered a terrible blow. Plus, the insidious ice trap is bordered by puddles, so now I have wet and muddy patches on my ass and my knees. Dammit! Why do I always wipe out in front of other people?! AND, my knees hurt which make me walk even funnier.

I should probably just go home. But wait…NO! That’s what Bizzarro Aquaman wants! Well, not today you sinister water god. I shake my fist in the sky and cry out “No! You will not thwart me on my quest for a healthy walk into Lincoln Square and some impulse shopping! Nooooo!” (Ok, I didn’t say it out loud but I thought about it. Passersby probably wouldn’t have batted an eye. Figured I was on a bluetooth. Those things make it hard to spot loonies on the street nowadays.) I did relent and take the L for the final few blocks to the store. I was on a mission for exercize and cooking tongs and dammit no one was gonna stop me. I hobbled to the fancy pants cooking shop and purchased some 12″ Oxo tongs and some smoked paprika without incident. Ha. Take that my liquid foe.

Yes, as I strolled past the bookstore and the bakery, I felt my confidence grow. I could do this. I could … walk home. Once city block with just my two feet and no cartoon-worthy mishaps. One foot in front of the other, Chris. You can do it. As I passed through the first intersection, I patted my little ego on the back. Good job! My stride widened a bit over the next few streets, and I grinned as I carted my kitchen swag up the bridged area of the Chicago river. I stop to peek for ducks. Deep breath. Half way home. Now, there’s nothing that can stop me!

In the distance, I can spot the scene of the crime. Do I change sides of the street or tred on the grassy patch to the right? Hmmmmm….both are safer, but do they give me any sense of satisfaction or redeem my delusions of grandeur? Not so much. I decide to walk right along side the treacherous patch, but do not waver from the sidewalk. I own this thoroughfare Aquaman. I have kicked your icy ass. Climbing the stairs up to my home, I actually felt a bit of sweat bead on my brow. Signs of exertion! Yea!

I untied my shoes and plopped back on the couch to rest. Others may have given up in my place. They may have said “How the hell did I manage to injure myself while just stretching, standing, and walking? WTF!!! I’m exercizing for cryin out loud! Don’t I deserve some better karma than this crap?! Bite me. I’m staying home and watching SpongeBob.” The old me might have grabbed the remote, but not this winter warrior. Victory is mine.


One comment

  1. Way to kick that punk Bizarro Aquaman in the ass, Chris! Smoked paprika, you say? Mmmmm – do let me know what you cook up with that. x o x o

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