someone is telling me to “shut it”

October 29, 2008

I am quite sure that whatever higher being you may or may not believe in, is sending me a message. A big James Earl Jones type voice is saying, “Chris…shut your pie hole.” Here’s why:

I have two new side effects that are painful and annoying: mouth sores and lock jaw. I discovered some sort of lesions on my cheeks and under my tongue this week. Nasty white things encircled by red and inflamed tissue. Basically, everytime my tongue grazes my teeth, it kills. Plus, these pesky damn things constantly make me salivate, so I’m drooling like a large breed dog. My nurse is telling me to “push fluids”, but damn near everything hot or tasty stings. Harumph.

So, I call my trusty onc nurse and she promptly calls in a prescription for some wacky combo mouthwash that is supposed to help with pain, infection, nausea, etc. Well, alrighty then! The lock jaw is another story. Whenever I eat my first meal of the day, which is mostly 9pm these days due to my general queasiness, my jaw siezes up and then makes my first few bites very painful. It eases up after the initial “ow dammit ow dammit ow!”, but its really freaky just the same.

My tongue is swollen and it hurts to talk. I struggle to ennunciate, which is kind of a pet peeve of mine, being a voice actor and all. So, I go pick up this magic mouthwash and promptly swish and spit a good ounce or so of the elixer. It comes in a spooky red bottle and has no label to speak of. As I inspect this new stuff in a dosage cup, it appears to be a milky white and thick kind of liquid, with no discernable smell or anything noticeably nasty. How bad can it be for a few seconds? Down the hatch and back out! Um, maybe I should have read the info first. This stuff totally numbs your mouth, tongue, and lips. I am now Mushmouth from Fat Albert. “Marbk, honbee. I canbt talbk, so don’t callb mebuh on the cellbuh phobuhn.”

Now, it is very pleasant to be free of pain and drool, but this definitely puts a damper on the phone meeting I had planned. Oh well. I decide I should take this new found pain free mouth and “push some fluid” through it. I mix up my favorite tummy settling and UT cleansing cocktail of room temp sparkling water, pure unsweetened cranberry juice, and unfiltered apple cider. Ah, a tasty treat to soothe my inactive bazoo….except (WTF!!!) OOOOOWWWW this mouthwash gives all intruding liquids a BURNING sensastion. Where the fuck was that in the warning label? (Which I had by now bothered to read.) DAMMIT!

Seriously. I can’t win today. Someone upstairs is tellin me to “pipe down”. And I haven’t said anything catty or nasty about anyone… yet… today. Honest.



  1. This is awful! You are so right…you are amazing when you talk, and hard to believe from hearing you on WGN that your life is anything but perfect. Hope this is better by now! We drank a toast to you Friday night while waiting for the little monsters. The weather was so perfect we sat on our front porch with our wine glasses mostly full and waited for the trick or treaters. Hope you are better by now.

  2. No one EVER wants you to shut up. Trust me. You’re the funniest person I know — and Orestes agrees. That means you’re funnier than me, which hurts a little, coming from him, but hey – he can’t lie.

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